Loving Broken People
If you've ever developed a relationship, of any kind, with another human being you’ve likely quickly become aware that we are all wrestling with a degree of emotional brokenness. Something in our life experience has hurt us and left what was once whole to be broken. As I previously shared, after the emotional trauma of my early twenties, my level of brokenness was extremely high. Those relationships ended like a tornado and my former girlfriends quickly moved on to new exciting chapters of their lives. I was left behind trying to deal with the emotional wreckage of my own insecurities, inability to trust, and had no desire to be emotionally intimate with anyone because my experience had taught me that putting my guard down lead to intense pain. I had sworn off committed relationships and thought I'd happily live my life as a bachelor forever. I've since come to understand that all intimate relationships have the potential to lead to painful experiences. But it's how you work through that pain is really where your personal growth blossoms. One woman came along who had the courage to love me in spite of my brokenness. I wanted to share some of the things that were effective in loving this broken man.
Patience & Grace
We’d all love to be the leading man or woman in a romantic comedy where the couple has a "meet cute" and quickly falls in love shortly after. That initial spark turns into an intense forest fire of love. We all know that feeling, right? Well, I hated that feeling. That feeling was like a GPS announcing your exit was close; pain is approaching in 1 mile away, pain is approaching in half a mile, pain is approaching in 800 feet. Because I felt that impending pain was approaching, I would often defiantly tell her that the things I was feeling for her would dissipate. I was less fighting my feelings for her but more so fighting off dealing with my wounds. I would say hurtful things like, “this isn't going anywhere” or “we’re just friends with benefits” or "we're just hanging out." I said these hurtful things because it was my way of wagging my fist at the emotions I was feeling inside; letting "love" know that it would not pull its tricks on me again. Maybe it was the long distance between us at the time but despite my misgivings, she was patient with me and every time I would lash out she would stand her ground and upon her return trips to NYC she would ensure we always found time for another. I believed that she was empathetic of my brokenness and allotted me the grace to wrestle my own internal battles by being patiently persistent in dealing with my brokenness.
Togetherness & Fun
You know that scene in Beauty and the Beast where the Beast is breathing heavily after a fit of rage after fighting off wolves and Belle comes along to his rescue to let him know that she was together with him and would not leave him broken in the woods? Well, that spirit of togetherness is what I needed to mend my brokenness. I needed to know that someone was going to stand with me in spite of my brokenness. Once I knew that she was in my corner, then I was able to let loose a little and have some fun. Even thought I was still guarded, I let me guard down and allowed her to expose me to new and exciting things that I had never experienced before. We went on hikes, we talked about farming, animals and a myriad of other topics. While I was still skeptical of the emotions that were forming inside me, I was deathly afraid of continuing to let my guard down to let her in because I didn't want to get hurt again. With her patience, grace, togetherness, and fun that wall had massive cracks in it but it still would not crumble.
Love & Communication
Ultimately when it was time for me to admit my feelings for her, the Musiq Soulchild song below defines what her overall response was back to me. She didn't deserve to pay for the wrongs of other women but my emotions were still so difficult to deal with. As I began to more openly reconcile my feelings, she would communicate her love to me in meaningful ways. Whether they be notes, or cards, or dinners she knew how to communicate her love to me in a way that gave me the confidence to step into that area with her. I knew that I had to be a better man and a lover for her so I finally got the courage to seek out therapy to heal my brokenness. The love we shared was intense and blossoming but the wounds would rear its ugly head once again. I wish that it didn't take three years to resolve that brokenness but ultimately I resolved my issues over time. Sadly, by this time we had a built a house on sand and our foundations were not sturdy enough endure the mess I had made. You see broken people are hurting and can tend to hurt other people. Not because they intend to, but because they are themselves still dealing with unresolved brokenness. I had also contributed to an environment that just wasn't secure for both of us to grow. In the end the tornado that my former girlfriends left behind had wrecked its final victim.
I believe that lessons are "caught not taught" and so for these invaluable lessons, I am forever grateful for having had her in my life to learn how to love broken people. I wish I could say that my wounds didn't ultimately lead to our demise, but it was her patience, grace, togetherness, fun, love, and communication that was the glue that held us together for years. Relationships are complicated but if you find yourself with someone who is broken, the examples that she lived out for me might help you find happiness and love with the one you love. I hope that you can bind together in peace and love and work your way through each other's brokenness to find happiness. Don't allow "previous cats" from the past impact your love today. Peace and love.
Comment below and share any tips you have for loving broken people!